I am glad to have some time to write tonight. The weekend was so rough for us and Michelle is not talking to me anymore. I tried guys, I did not pick a fight and I tried to be understanding as heck. She was just being so difficult and I KNOW IT IS NOT HER FAULT. I am not here to vent. Today I am here to be SAD!
I miss my wife so much. I folded her clothes tonight and it made me miss her so so much. I miss seeing her and I miss hearing her voice. I miss seeing her smile and hearing her laugh or making jokes about me. I miss our stupid little fights adn how she drives me crazy. I miss seeing her with the kids and it simply breaks my heart when I my boy asks about her.
Michelle said she did not know if she wanted to see us this weekend and that she is going through a rough time of medicine switching and that I should not take it personally. Easier said then done. I love when we talk and figure stuff out together. I want to be part of her life and I want her to be part of ours.
Sometimes I feel like a single dad. The other day I was talking to a female friend while our kids were playing and it made me feel so uncomfortable. I want to be with my wife. I want her back. Sometimes I just want to shake her and have her come out. I am sorry I am so "honest" tonight, I just need to let these emotions out or I can't function anymore.
I will have to go to work again soon but I don't really know how to do it. I can't be solve all these single dad problems. I don't know how to. Please don't tell me I am so strong. I don't want to hear it. Not tonite.
Why am I being so negative tonite and so helpless. Maybe I just need to go to bed. I think I am coming down with something.
TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY! Oh and here is quote that Michelle gave to me 2 weeks ago:
"Today is not the day you quit. Nor is it the day you cry. Today you know that you have all the passion and wisdom to find that quiet center of solace, serenity, and strength necessary to create and sustain an authentic life."
- Sarah Ban Breathnach
Thank you Michelle for giving me this note so I could feel close to you tonite. I miss you so much. I never want to have to live this life without you. I love you. I am yours forever and all eternity.
Dave
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
New Beginnings?
The Army let me take some time off to take care of my kids right now, since we are here in Germany and have almost noone to help out. I love being with my kids and as my friend once said: "Being a parent is the hardest job you will ever love!" This also gives me tiny bit more time to work in my website.
Michelle is doing a little better. She is now a patient at a mental institution. This sounds a lot worse than it really is. It is kinda like a rehab program. She went form being really suicidal to being actually fun to be around and during the past few weeks I have seen that girl again that I fell in love with. She was also diagnosed with BIPOLAR. At first it felt like a slap in the face and I cried for a few days. I had so hoped to be over this one day and to be able to move on. I was hoping for "take this 3 times a day adn you should feel better in no time" rather than "take this twive a day and we will see how you feel in 4, 6, and 8 weeks from now." Now I am at the point that I am happy that they know why my sweet wife has had such a hard time and that she will be able to learn to live with this.
I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately an about the meaning of being married to someone. I was talking to a friend a while ago and he told me that he would have left his wife he would have been in my position. But I know he wouldn't have. I know that Michelle would be doing the same thing for me right now, so I am willing and happily doing the same for her. Even if I knew that she wouldn't, I would still do it. Why? Becasue I married her because Iloved HER and because I wanted to make HER happy. I did not marry her becasue I thought she would make me happy or because she loved me. Have you seriously ever heard anyone say:" Jim loves me so much that I want to marry him?" Sure, you should not marry or be with someone who is taking advantage of you and I do believe that you should feel loved, but unless YOU are willing to put your life on the line for that other person, don't do it.
Anyway, people ask me all the time why I am still with her, why I haven't left. Tell me I am so young and that it does not have to be this way. Offer me to live with them and to support me if I leave. I even had people give me contact information for lawyers. I know some of you just wanted to help, but just to clarify once and for all: I AM NOT LEAVING MICHELLE.
I went to a wedding yesterday and I have to admit that it does hurt sometimes to see people so in love. Or to see couples getting a long so well that they don't fight over everything. But then I realize how much I love Michelle and I strongly believe that there are better days ahead.
I am here for Michelle and I love her. Sometimes I think even more than before. I am so thankful that God trusts me so much that He gave me such a beautiful wife and that He knew from the beginning that I can do this.
I named this post "new beginnings" because right this minute will be a new beginning. This coming week I want to be even stronger for my kids and wife, even more actively working on preparing a better future for them and be even a better person for everybody I am in contact with. Yesterday someone said: "Achrist is a person that makes it easier for others to believe in God." I can do that. I will control my temper and I will do what is right.
Michelle is doing a little better. She is now a patient at a mental institution. This sounds a lot worse than it really is. It is kinda like a rehab program. She went form being really suicidal to being actually fun to be around and during the past few weeks I have seen that girl again that I fell in love with. She was also diagnosed with BIPOLAR. At first it felt like a slap in the face and I cried for a few days. I had so hoped to be over this one day and to be able to move on. I was hoping for "take this 3 times a day adn you should feel better in no time" rather than "take this twive a day and we will see how you feel in 4, 6, and 8 weeks from now." Now I am at the point that I am happy that they know why my sweet wife has had such a hard time and that she will be able to learn to live with this.
I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately an about the meaning of being married to someone. I was talking to a friend a while ago and he told me that he would have left his wife he would have been in my position. But I know he wouldn't have. I know that Michelle would be doing the same thing for me right now, so I am willing and happily doing the same for her. Even if I knew that she wouldn't, I would still do it. Why? Becasue I married her because Iloved HER and because I wanted to make HER happy. I did not marry her becasue I thought she would make me happy or because she loved me. Have you seriously ever heard anyone say:" Jim loves me so much that I want to marry him?" Sure, you should not marry or be with someone who is taking advantage of you and I do believe that you should feel loved, but unless YOU are willing to put your life on the line for that other person, don't do it.
Anyway, people ask me all the time why I am still with her, why I haven't left. Tell me I am so young and that it does not have to be this way. Offer me to live with them and to support me if I leave. I even had people give me contact information for lawyers. I know some of you just wanted to help, but just to clarify once and for all: I AM NOT LEAVING MICHELLE.
I went to a wedding yesterday and I have to admit that it does hurt sometimes to see people so in love. Or to see couples getting a long so well that they don't fight over everything. But then I realize how much I love Michelle and I strongly believe that there are better days ahead.
I am here for Michelle and I love her. Sometimes I think even more than before. I am so thankful that God trusts me so much that He gave me such a beautiful wife and that He knew from the beginning that I can do this.
I named this post "new beginnings" because right this minute will be a new beginning. This coming week I want to be even stronger for my kids and wife, even more actively working on preparing a better future for them and be even a better person for everybody I am in contact with. Yesterday someone said: "Achrist is a person that makes it easier for others to believe in God." I can do that. I will control my temper and I will do what is right.
hello there
my name is david and decided to start this blog to remind myself how much i love my wife michelle. too cheesy you say? well, read a little more and you'll understand what i am trying to do. i have been married to michelle for almost 7 years now. we have two wonderful kids, adam (3) and emma (1). when my best friend alex introduced me to michelle, i knoew right there she was the one. i loved her from the moment i saw her. while we were dating, i noticed o alot of emotional problems with her, but i was so head over heals that i didn't care. remember being so in love that you think you can climb any mountain, overcome any obstacle in your way, thinking the world is yours, and just living and loving every day with your love? well, that is exactly what it was like dating michelle. she was so funny and full of life. i felt as if i had found my true love, my soul mate, the one i had longed for all my life. and so it came that we married, after dating for only a few months. and even though this does not match the happily-ever-after profile, this is when things started to fall apart....i had never noticed, or never wanted to notice, how sad michelle was. yes, we were both very much in love, but she would always "hide" away. she would be online several of hours every day after work. she never wanted to go out with other people. she stopped going to church with me and when she did, she only came to please me. i asked her to stop to drink alcohol before we got married and she did, but then she would always come back and say she lost all her fun in life because she stopped drinking. these things i listed here are just a few. now, 7 years later i am trying to keep the family together. she has almost completly withdrawn herself from our family.with this blog, i am just trying to find a place to talk about my emotions. people just don't don't understand. my family and friends are always telling me to leave her and i have to attmit i have considered the option in my darkest of hours. but, i love her. nothing, not even her depression can change this.well, i hope to find a few reader, and maybe even some with advise.
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